Warning! This post is not about fashion and it's not about travel. It's not about the short quick pick me ups and the instant gratification that comes with buying nice things, and admiring fashionable trends. This post is about rejection, sadness, learning to forgive and trying to forget, pick myself up and take what I have learnt and move on because hey, I'm only human right?
I cannot go too much into detail about the who's and the whats because my personal intention for this piece is that when I type this, I want to mentally fold it up like a note and put it inside one of those lamps and send it up into the sky to float away from me forever. I don't want to carry these feelings of bitterness, anger and resentment because these thoughts can make you get ill, and I think I am too precious to get ill.
There are people out there who you think are your friends but really- are not. Now that it seems to them I have nothing left to offer I am no longer a credit to their lives. At the time I was glad I could help them, but now that I want the same thing, I wish I didn't. I often joked with one of them that they would forget me when they're up there and hey, I was right. I have learnt that people don't want to be friends with people at all. They are looking for a way in to get closer to people they consider more successful than they are. Friendship is with people who you aspire to be. If you are not as successful as they are they will dismiss you or they will use you to their benefit and then slowly release you, like blowing on a dandelion. It won't be sudden and you won't notice it because, well, you both have lives. Your working, they're working, your both busy. They never text you or give you a call to see how your doing, but you do, or rather I did.
I am beyond amazed when my phone rings and it's not my bank manager/job/family member at the other end of the line! I could count on one hand, not who my real friends are, but just in general who my fair-weather friends are! Then why are you writing this post you may ask? Surely this validates how they have made you feel and they have won- surely? Non. Not at all. Yes I am hurting and yes I feel used, but I will draw strength in that they all know so little about me and in how I helped them, the methods I used, the people I know and they do not. The greatest revelation is that I know I can now use what I know to help myself. They haven't bothered to ask how I'm doing what I'm doing, where I am going, otherwise they would find out I am doing exactly the same thing they are doing. (Duh.)
It's amazing how self absorbed people can be and also how closed they really are. It's unusual because the type of occupation they do requires them to be less self-absorbed and more aware of others. Strange. I guess when you emotionally invest in people over the years, you hold onto that friendship blindly like you've lit a candle in a holy place. Not that the alarm bells should have started ringing when you're no longer invited to parties and dinners or to 'pop' round. There was so much expectancy, so much hope and if you're anything like me, friends give you a sense of being, they reflect who you are a little. Now that I see that that candle has been blown out it is replaced by a kind of heaviness. I want to unload this heaviness quickly because that feeling can allow you to get sick. No one knows the true causes of cancer and other fatal illnesses but they do start with your emotional state. (My friend's a medical student and can back me up.)
I refuse to get sick or even unhappy over people who never valued anything in me except for how my position could help them. I just hope on my new journey of becoming who I have always wanted to be I can look back and say I didn't hurt anyone because I didn't call them my friend/buddy/homie get them emotionally involved and invested in me, and then leave them standing in the hall way and close the door shut with me on the other side. (That's cold man, ice cold) Good luck to you! Really, you're already experiencing what it's like to be famous, to be one of the beautiful people and it can only get better from here, but just remember who's feet you tread on my dear. You never ever know what other people can become or what they can do- not to you, but for themselves.
I guess this post is like walking through a forest, stumbling into a thorny bush and once you make your way out of it, trying to untangle the bushes from your clothes and the bits that stick in your hair. That's the only way I can describe the emotions I feel, like thorny branches ripping at your favourite Acne sweater, scratching your skin and getting caught up in your hair. I am writing this post and as I do this I am slowly untangling and throwing away these unwanted emotions in order to get back to my centre and my place of 'abundance'. A final word to the handful of people who have 'dissed' me. Our world is small, so I'm certain we'll see each other again on the way up pretty soon, so don't forget me just yet. Don't forget me just yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment